I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I met the friendliest cop last night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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