So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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