He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
