I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
