Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
