im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
