The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
