There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
