When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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