she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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