First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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