btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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