new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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