There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
