onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
