I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
