What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
