I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
