I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize