You just made me feel so damn special
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
