That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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