he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
