11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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