I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
