She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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