I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
