he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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