please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize