we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
