i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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