Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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