"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
