We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
