I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
