I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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