I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize