At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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