Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
soo... how was my night?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize