Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
