Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm bleeding and have questions
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
