Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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