just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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