Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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