And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
