in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
