My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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