my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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