I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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