Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can I color on your dick again?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
