Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
