just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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