If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
