So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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