I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
