i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
