I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
