Screwed.edu
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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