I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
