New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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