did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
