my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
