Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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