I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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